All Posts / Thoughts

To Be Honest, I Haven’t Been Honest

So why is it that I was falling asleep on the couch at 11pm this evening, yet the moment that I moved to my bed I couldn’t sleep a wink?

Call it bad blood maybe (my father falls asleep every night, without fail, on the couch in our basement watching Fox News or some horribly cheesy action flick, gotta love him), but it may be something much deeper (if possible) than that.  I’ve had way too much time to think lately.  And while that can be good, I also think that I haven’t had enough time to sort out my thoughts.  Which is not good.  At all.

But this is what I’ve sorted out so far.

If I’m completely honest, I think I’m afraid to be honest with myself.  I don’t face situations front-on.  I don’t think about things and the consequences of what may happen unless it is unravelling in front of my face.  I keep myself immune and numb to the thought of pain or hardship in the (sometimes not so distant) future.  And when those moments do come, I take them with a grain of salt and grin and bear my way through it.  I don’t let myself stop to become concerned with the inevitable pain that I will feel.  I let it simmer under the surface and although I may feel the pang occasionally, I am well versed and extremely good at keeping all of that pain under control.  Keeping it hidden below the surface so that no one–not even my closest friends or loved ones–can know it’s there.

This sometimes (if you didn’t see where this was going) causes problems.  Because (surprise!) sometimes I can’t keep it hiding any longer.  And instead of ignoring all of that pain, I have to confront it because it starts to boil over.  And that is what I feel right now.  Which is why I’m writing this.

The truth is, I hate admitting I’m afraid.  But  I am TERRIFIED. I may have taken about 2 years’ worth of college-level Chinese, but that means NOTHING with what I am going to be faced with this next semester.  Not just that, but after this semester I will only have ONE MORE SEMESTER of college and then I’m going to have to actually grow up and get a real job and be a real person with a real adult life and make a real sum of money that can pay for real things like very real student loans and other very real bills.  And I am scared shitless.  Because what if nothing goes the way I’ve planned?  And I just end up jobless, unsuccessful, and alone???

The other thing that I’m not being completely honest with myself is this:  I don’t know who I am anymore.  I think I do, but in all honesty, I don’t.  Not even a little bit.  This is something that is really really bothering me, pretty much above most everything else, because this is the first time in my life since I first traveled abroad that I feel so lost and confused about who I really am.  I am normally very convinced and confident in myself, but lately, it’s the very opposite.  I think it’s been a cumulation of events over the past school semester and this summer, because I’ve had to deal with some things that I honestly didn’t want to deal with.  Some pretty tough stuff.  And I was surrounded by all of these successful people who were going places.  And it’s not that I wasn’t, it’s just that because of all of the shit I had to deal with, a lot of my plans and ideas had to be put on hold.  And I couldn’t strive for as much as I had wanted to.  Which caused me to feel like a complete failure, even though I wasn’t.  But I felt like I was because I knew I fell short of what I was capable of.  If I’m being honest with myself, I think that currently, I have one of the worst self-views that I have ever had.  I have never felt so bad about myself as a person or about my physical appearance.  I don’t remember ever feeling this way SO strongly, or ever having this much negative self-talk.  I constantly tell myself that I’m a failure and a fatass.  Almost using it as an excuse to NOT strive to succeed.  Using this negative self-talk as an excuse to be average and mediocre, and so much less than I know I should be.

I just don’t know how to address these things.  I know what I’m doing wrong (clearly, I haven’t been honest with myself and I’ve been to afraid to confront everything that’s bothering me), but I can’t figure out how to get myself out of this dump.  I know I’m going to really really learn a lot about myself once I go to China, but I don’t want to arrive directionless and be pointed towards a path.  I want to arrive with a direction and be able to make my own path while I’m there.  I want to know that I can do anything I set my mind to… and be confident in that as well.  I need to fix some things about myself, but I’ve no idea how.

So please, strangers; your thoughts and suggestions would help.  Thank you, thank you.

xx

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